Is this the right person?—Is this the relationship I want to keep showing up for?

Relationships are a source of deep connection and joy, but they can also activate feelings of insecurity and fear. These emotions often arise when we encounter what I call “perceived threats” in relationships: a partner’s glance at someone else, a close coworker connection, or even external factors like pornography or substance misuse. These moments can feel destabilizing, but they are often less about the external situation and more about what is happening within us.

When we first meet someone new in the world of dating, we often start imagining what our future together could be like. This includes thinking about dating them long-term, imagining them as a boyfriend or girlfriend, and picturing what it would be like to spend time with them, such as having dinner together and meeting each other's family and friends. This kind of fantasising involves imagining how this person could positively fit into your life and make you feel good. It's the feeling of imagining how great it would be to have this person in your life that becomes thrilling and exciting.

You’ve been through a lot together, you have worked through some really tough internal parts of yourself  and yet managed to stay strong and hold together.  You may have dipped and ploughed to the lower curve of the “this is not working, and I think I will have to leave this relationship” and then sky rocketed to the top of the curve and taking a breath of air and realising that that moment in time in your relationship you made it back up and you are again moving together.

We can make immense sacrifices, hoping that someone else will fill the void. This pursuit of external validation can be fleeting, and many give so much of their beautiful light for just a small piece of hope that love will be reciprocated. Unfortunately, this love is often not returned in equal measure, leaving us feeling depleted and unfulfilled.

When the light we’ve given goes out, we experience a painful fall—a crash that forces us to rebuild our fire without the other person. We are left wondering if they were ever truly there. Some of us continue to search for another person to keep our fire alight or to regain that spark of love, constantly looking outside of ourselves for fulfillment.

In relationships, it's common for one person to prioritise security while the other values freedom more. This dynamic can create a tension that causes partners to move up and down a continuum of needs and desires.

For some, seeking security often involves the commitment and validation that marriage brings.

In my own experience, I've found solace and insight in the work of renowned relationship experts like John Gottman. His research on relationship dynamics offers a stark reminder of the toll toxic relationships can take on our emotional well-being. It's a reminder that cuts deep, resonating with the ache of betrayal and the longing for genuine connection.

Previously I was a young woman navigating the complexities of marriage, I've often pondered the role of forgiveness in sustaining long-term happiness with my spouse. It's a topic that hits close to home, especially when considering the alarming statistics showing that women are most likely to file for divorce. So, I delved into research to uncover the truth behind forgiveness and its impact on marital satisfaction.

In my professional experience, I've observed how these feelings of unworthiness can manifest in various aspects of our lives. Whether it's in romantic relationships, familial dynamics, or even our own self-perception, the belief that we are undeserving of love and respect can have profound effects on our well-being.

Consider the case of a client who feels undervalued and neglected in their marriage. Despite their best efforts to nurture the relationship, they find themselves on the receiving end of emotional turmoil and unfulfilled promises. It's a painful reminder that they deserve more – that love should be kind, supportive, and mutual.