How do you know if they are ‘The One’?

When we first meet someone new in the world of dating, we often start imagining what our future together could be like. This includes thinking about dating them long-term, imagining them as a boyfriend or girlfriend, and picturing what it would be like to spend time with them, such as having dinner together and meeting each other's family and friends. This kind of fantasising involves imagining how this person could positively fit into your life and make you feel good. It's the feeling of imagining how great it would be to have this person in your life that becomes thrilling and exciting. This is essentially a form of fantasy and it involves projecting positive future scenarios and the good feelings that come with them. This can put a lot of pressure on the other person if they don't share this same dream. So, when you next meet up with them, you might feel like you have to live up to this idealised version of self to maintain the dates and maintain this person who this person could be, causing anxiety. It is a lot of pressure!

These dreams can whisk us away into a fantasy land, where words spoken seem like promises of a perfect reality. But when reality falls short of these expectations, it can be deeply disappointing.

Attachment theory, as proposed by Gottman and Sue Johnson, sheds light on our tendency to fantasise about finding "the one." According to attachment theory, individuals develop attachment styles based on their early relationships with caregivers. These attachment styles influence how we perceive and approach relationships in adulthood. For example, individuals with anxious attachment styles may be more prone to fantasising about finding the perfect partner as a way to soothe their insecurities and fears of abandonment.

The Gottman Method, developed by John Gottman and Julie Gottman, emphasizes the importance of building strong emotional connections and fostering healthy communication patterns in relationships. Through their research, the Gottmans have identified key factors that contribute to relationship success, such as mutual respect, trust, and effective conflict-resolution skills. However, the pursuit of an idealised partner can detract from these foundational elements, leading to unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

How do you identify a fantasy person? And more importantly, how do you extricate yourself from the intoxicating highs and lows of this situation? It's easy to get caught up in the addictive thrill of feeling cared for or wanted, even if only temporarily. Some linger in these dynamics until the pain of rejection becomes unbearable.

But how do you empower yourself to leave or establish boundaries early in these situations? How do you break free from this cycle? Remember, the more you assert your boundaries, the more likely you are to attract what you truly desire. Yet, it can be challenging to say no when the temporary highs feel so good.

So, how do you return home to yourself and stop seeking false nourishment for your heart outside of yourself? It's not easy when you're in a state of being pulled away from yourself, living your life for someone else. You might mistake your anxiety for excitement, eagerly waiting for their next message or call.

What you need is space, time to calm your nervous system, and clarity to make decisions that honour your well-being. Turn off your phone, disconnect from social media, and embrace solitude. Engage in activities like journaling, meditation, or creative expression to reconnect with yourself. Cultivate this inner connection until you can feel yourself again, returning to your true essence.

Ask yourself, "What is real in this situation? What am I truly working with here?"

The solution lies in maintaining curiosity about the person you are dating and giving yourself space between dates to make choices about this person. Instead of getting lost in fantasies about the future, focus on the present moment and your evolving feelings towards them. It's about consciously choosing whether you want to be with this person day by day and week by week, allowing the relationship to progress naturally. By staying grounded in reality and honouring your own needs and boundaries, you empower yourself to make informed decisions about your relationships, free from the potential crash and disappointment of fantasy.

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